Sunday, December 13, 2009

What to do.

What am I going to do with all these feelings i still have for him? He doesn't want to be together. He wants me to just walk away from him and get over him. Why doesn't he realize how amazing i see him as. I don't see the same person he does when he looks in the mirror. I see a caring, Kind, loving, passionate, motivated, amazing person. He sees a screw up. I guess beauty IS in the eyes of the beholder.

I guess he feels that since all these things have happened against our friendship it's impossible to happen. We're two totally different people, from two totall different worlds. There is no way around that in his head. :( I've tried to make sense of everything that happened with us. The only thing that makes total sense is that God wants this relationship to happen and Satan doesn't. He doesn't believe in the spiritual though and i can't explain that to him. The harder it gets the easier it is for him to walk away.

I wish evil would just leave him alone. Life isn't about set backs and negativeness. It's about over coming them and moving on. Holding onto something that may seem so out of our reach and accepting it as our own. He doesn't see that. Life sux, when crappy things are thrown at you, yes. But it doesn't have to. I cry for him, not because i'm in love with him. But because I hate to see him going through so much pain and then pushing away the one person that loves him unconditionally. I don't need a reason to "love" him. I just do.

That's how God loves us, He does because He just does. That's who He is. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us any less, or any more than He already does. No matter what sin we do, no matter how many times we deny Him,No matter what we say against Him, or don't do what He wants us to do, God will still love us. He is not the one who hurts us. Evil is on the earth too. There is nothing we can do about that except avoid it. Walk away from it.

All Satan wants to do is destroy us. He wants us to become addicted to drugs, he wants us to not believe in God, He wants us to not believe in the simple fact that someone sees right through our bullshit and loves us for the people we are. Excuses are just that. Excuses, they have no true meaning or relevance but to give you a reason to walk away.

Love was never said to be easy. Jesus loved us. It wasn't easy for Him to die for us, He sacrificed His life so that we wouldn't have to die and go to hell. Not easy. That sort of love is not easy, why should it be easy for us?

I guess he doesn't want to fight for anything any more. That hurts. He's walking away from the one person who would said she'd be there for him always.

I will be.
I'll always be there. It's not hard because i love you... it's hard because you love me too. This isn't who you are, he says he's changed but it's not who he is. Don't you see, you are soo much more then who you're letting yourself be.

Monday, December 7, 2009


I don't know what to do.

I'm frustrated


Things aren't happening for me. I feel like i'm stuck in a rut, and i've felt like that for like 10 years. :(

i don't know if we can fix this. I don't know if he will want to fix it


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Is There More?

I feel like a fool until you say "its fine"
One day I hope to make you mine
You came to me when we first met
It seemed Gods' plan was set

You've been lied to all your life
Filled with heartache and strife
God loves you more then I ever could
People say things they never should.

I've told you and i'll tell you always
God loving you is not a phase.

The games we play
The words we say
You know me better than most
Some day I'll make you french toast (lol)

Maybe i'm too much for you
Too good to be true
But I think the same thing
not just another fling.

You think there is another
Should I even bother?
I really want you happy, help
I just want you for myself.

What do I have to do
To show that I'm for you?
You are my best friend
And I'll be here until the end.

Is this whats in store
Or is there more?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm ok guys.

So I haven't written a blog in a while. I apologize for that, i mean to the ones that actually like my blogs ;)

A lot has happened in the last few months. I thought about deleting the Vinners, we moved our book store that my sister in law owns. We've been going through a lot in our house hold. I haven't really talked to any of the FF5 guys in a while. I haven't really been up to doing anything lately. Sort of lost hope in my quest to make my 7ish Project big.

I fell for a guy the last couple months. An amazing guy who is an independent spirit, loving, kind, a great friend. Very attractive art student from NYC. Him and I clicked in the beginning like I've never clicked with anyone before. I fell for him, started falling for him at least. It felt like there was this.. wall though.. something was in between us. Even though he said that nothing would ever get in between us. He first talked to me on The Vinners, Then eventually added my personal accounts on Myspace and Facebook, then we started talking on MSN. We would talk every day a couple hours a day.

Then things changed. He became distant. I started wondering if i did something wrong, he assured me I didn't. He had feelings for me in the beginning. Does one lose their feelings? I don't think they do. If we were upset at each other we resolved it before we got offline. If something was wrong we talked each other through it. I support him in his decisions he supports me. We're Friends. There is still this wall though. I don't have his number, I don't want to make a huge deal about it and you guys shouldn't either. But to me, that shows he doesn't fully trust me even though I told him i'd be there for him, for always.

It's become so complicated now. I don't know what to do any more. Some of you have seen my.. UGHHHH's, ARGHS, and crying status' all over. It's not exactly OVER him, it's over the whole situation. I'm confused, and frustrated. I don't know what to say to him to get him to trust me, he says he does trust me. Why does it feel like he's using me for someone that he KNOWS he can turn to whenever. I'm usually fine with this, i'm usually fine with people only coming to me when they need me. I want so much more with him though. I want to meet him in person, I want to see who he truly is. Does that scare the crap out of him?! Probably. We care about each other and maybe he feels that if we meet in person some how that caring will go away. It Won't. I still feel (even from the beginning) that me and him would be great together. I feel like Cory, from Boy Meets World, and he's my Topanga. Topanga was scared to be with Cory, Cory knew from the beginning they were meant to be. I'm not totally with Cory that I think i'm meant to be with the guy i like, but i def think we should be giving it more of a chance then we have been.

He's been a sort of rock for me, when i'm down he does lift me up, makes me feel good about myself.

Things have changed between us our relationship is.. not as close as we were. There are still feelings there. There is someone else though, on his side. I think I need to walk away for now, get out of the equation. I know some of you are saying Chris this guy isn't worth it. That's just the thing. He is worth it. He's worth everything I can give him. Guys I don't have anyone else that I've felt like this for. I'm here. I'm not going any where.

Things may seem/get hard and may seem like the only thing you should do is walk away from something so hard.. but maybe that's the hurdle you're supposed to get over to make it work. If you love someone, you NEED to be there for them through whatever they are going through. This is how I am with all my friends. If you need me i'm here, I don't discriminate between who can be my friend and who can't. If you need someone, i'm here. That's what a friend is. that's what a friend does. I may not be in your circle of friends but i'm a "Friend."

He's been hurt his whole life by many different people. Trust is hard for him. This may even lose his trust in me. Putting how i feel about him out there for all to read. I do it so that you guys know I'm ok. It's alright.

Don't walk away from something because it becomes to hard.. Taking a risk can bring you an amazing reward. Things that look easy, look easy for a reason- they have little reward. Circumstances are just obstacles you can choose to go around or not choose to go around, but going around them brings you closer to the end of your maze. The confusion of a maze can't end until you get to the end, and sometimes you have to climb over bridges that are broken, and go around a whole state to get to the next part of that maze. Staying in one place is only going to make those circumstances grow in your mind and make you think they're too big to overcome.

I care about this guy. i would do anything for him even walk away and let him figure out what he wants. It's okay. We should do that for people we care for. We can't make people make a decision that we think they should make. I'm frustrated, yes. Am I hurt every time things are cancelled, yes. But maybe through this time he needs to learn something that i've already learned:

Following your heart is not always going to be a failure. Taking a risk on love will not destroy you. I have all these emotions going on inside me. I want to support him in everything that he does. He's young, still has things to accomplish, school to do, places to see, and people to meet. I'll be here when you're ready. I'll be here when you need someone.

Thank you to my friends that have been there for me through this whole thing. You all know who you are! :)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

trying to figure out
watching TV

Thursday, May 14, 2009

new favorite song

So i've been going through some stuff lately. Its usually music that makes me feel better. This time it was an amazing new band that I discovered when I went to The Bamboozle in New Jersey that really has lifted my spirits. This new band is called "My Favorite Highway", i'm usually that friend that has a new band every 3 months and plays the snot out of them so that all around me know who to check out! lol. It was Family Force 5 for almost 2 years but i think i'm moving on... Sorry guys.. but this new band is amazing.. here are the lyrics i'm talking bout..

Entertain The Pain :
Its been a long year without you
And I can't seem to go one day without thinking about you
It's not that I doubt you, if I found you
Would I put my arms around you
Wish I could let you know how much I miss you
Entertain the pain, if I could I would kiss you
I wanna be with you
I've tried letting go, I don't know how to quit you

No, baby, you can't change me
But maybe you'll find that you're

Better off, better off
That's what you get for, that's what you get for
Moving on, moving on
Try and forget you, try and forget like
Every tear you ever cried
Pack them up and say goodbye
Moving on, and that's what you get for

I spent a long time without you
I'm still doing everything I can just to not think about you
Not that I doubt you, if I found you
Would I let my thoughts surround you
I feel just a little bit stronger
I'll wait just a little bit longer
But I'm doing just fine without you, babe

Spend the night alone again
Waste the air you're breathing in
Close the curtains and lock the door
Hide from what you're waiting for
Could've wasted time on me, given up so easily
But I think you're better moving on

their other songs are amazing also..

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Hearing From God

Hey ya'llSo.. have you ever heard Gods' voice? Either by a preminition, vision, word from someone else? And after you recieve that Word from God do you doubt it? And should something have to be confirmed in order for us to believe it? like a doubting Thomas should we wait until we can actually SEE what God has promised us?Well... I know I've come to you guys before about God and trusting in Him.. but sometimes I can't trust myself. There is a vision that I've been shown.. It was shown to me in 3 parts, 3 different times, 3 different years. I'm doubting that vision... Why? you ask.. because I don't think the people IN the vision know it. and if they do they don't act like they do.. it's so hard to believe in something that is unseen.. which is the absolute meaning of Faith.. So should I drop all seeing in the natural and truly just believe that the visions I've had are truth? It's so difficult. I have saught God on this for more then 3 years. I did walk away from God for a little.. thinking that since the vision wasn't coming true right away it wasn't truth at all and lost my focus on who God is and who I was in Christ. Doubt is from Satan right? but where does reality come from?most of you know who I am. Most of you have either met me in person or know me because of Family Force 5. So most of you would know that I take God very very seriously. I'm not one to make things up especially when I feel that God wants to speak to someone through me.... My personal conviction about that is.. If God wants to tell you something it's none of my business. HOWEVER it IS Gods' business and I'm not one to take that to someone else.. What i'm trying to say is.. When we hear Gods' Voice do we trust enough in God to know it's God and to go to that person with the word.. Yea it's not our business so don't dwell on it for yourself... it's not our "word" to dwell on. The only thing I worry about is if what I've told a certain couple people what I thought was from God but was it really from God? If you think to much about it you start to doubt it.. so.. HIT SEND before you doubt it...let the other person take care of how THEY feel about what they're reading... If it's from God it'll hit them when it's supposed to.. If it's not from God they should be smart enough to delete it and realize the other person is human. That word you sent someone.. may just be the key in a change of heart! A knowing that God truly loves them. It may show them that someone else cares for them, that God has set someone aside to care for them in a supernatural way. If you have a heart for someone. USE IT! If you have a passion to pray for someone DO IT!! It may be painful to pray all the time for one person (or 3) but in the long run... Gods' good and Gods' plan will be unfolded. Let yourself be the person that God wants you to be. Let yourself be a prayer warrior for those who don't see the importance of prayer in their lives. If you feel that God is calling you to pray for someone.. ACCEPT your calling....and If God has shown you something and YOU believe it to be God.. seek HIS face and hold onto that vision/belief!:)

Be Radiators,

Michael Tait.. A newsboy!?!!

Okay so I've been a fan of Dc Talk, and the members, Michael, Kevin, and Toby since well 1990 :) I was 10! lol.. Anyway.. I absolutely ADORE Michael Tait. I think (personally) that he is one of the best singers not only in Christian music but in any music. When he was in Tait, They were so under rated as a christian band. His lyrics are so deep and so meaningful. I know I know, I would probably say the same thing about Toby or Kev.... actually that's not totally true lol...I like Kevins' lyrics.. only sometimes' lol.. i think you have to be a certain person to totally GET Kevin' and Toby.. my opinion Tait... i hope I say this right.. seems more "passionate" about the heart of God.. I don't know maybe i'm off. Toby is more about the acceptance of God I think... Anywho.. There is a video on YouTube (again) that is basically saying that Michael shouldn't be a newsboy... some of the comments are worse like the one that says "Not to be racist but.." yea you know where that one is going.. or that Micahel shouldn't be a newsboy because he's from Dc Talk... HELLO!!! people.. first of all.... Gods' will will be done no matter what YOUR opinion is about any situation. Here is a little fact for all of you who are "against" this because Tait isn't a Newsboy.. Dc Talk-Kevin, Michael, and Toby have known the Newsboys- Phil, John James(former singer), Duncan, Jody, Peter, Jeff(hottie! lol), and the other former members. for 20+ years... so to any of them.. Dc Talk are Newsboys, and The Newsboys are Dc Talk.. They see each other equally.. back in the day.. Dc Talk was bigger then the Newsboys. remember when Dc Talk "disbanned" they weren't supposed to... It was almost a sudden thing.. They were supposed to do their solo thing and come back together... They didn' they're still loved almost as much as the Newsboys.. Without them we wouldn't have some of the bands in Christian music we have today.. Dc Talk paved the way. A lot of Christian artists today look up to the band member of Dc Talk.. Anyway.. I just think it's RUDE to say that someone is ALL of a sudden making a decision to destroy their own band. Peter is a praying man. He is a man of God... Michael Tait is a praying man, and a man of God.. they're friends.. Peter didn't just go and put some names in a hat and chose Michael.. As for Michael "filling Peters' shoes" Mike will have no problem doing that.. Have you seen Tait in concert? He's an amazing performer, who knows this business...I have full faith that he'll be able to do.. as well or better then Peter did. and obviously Peter feels the same way...Besides the fact that at the end of the day.. This is not WHOLLY for us.. These Christian bands serve some one HIGHER then we are... They do not answer to us even if we are fans.. They answer solely to God. If you have a "beef" with them doing something that they feel is God.. you should take it up with God.. not spout off on YouTube.. or even on comments on the newsboys site. :( Sadly it seems that Christians attack each other more then the world attacks us and I hate to say this but That's totally Satan trying to destroy our trust in each other. and eventually will destroy how we think of God Himself. besides the fact that MAYBE.. JUST MAYBE..... Peter is losing his physical another Christian music artist we know.Here is some Chris logic about the situation. If Peter Furler is a godly man. he's a praying man. And we are Gods' people and we are supposed to blindly trust in God... Don't you think that Peter prayed about this situation... before he even phoned Mike? And since he prayed about it.. went to God about it.. And God gave him a peace about bringing Mike into the situation... Shouldn't we trust that GOD knows what He's doing? How Fickle Gods' people are to trust God in ALLLLLL situations.

Just can't stop I guess

Aren't we supposed to?I can't believe what I've started.. but at this point i'm more upset about the fact that the Bible has been twisted by the guy that posted a horrible videoBut I will not say that I condone everything that people are commenting on that video(the one bashing FF5). I don't think it was right for some of you to swear, i understand we're upset but stooping to a level we're supposed to be above isn't right either.Let me clear some things up!There is so many people that I'm finding out are like MAJORLY Against Christian Rock Music which completely baffles me. God has given us skills and talents right? (Matthew 25:14-30) If someone is given the talent of Music. What kind of music should they do to serve the Lord? A Christian band is actually defined by the fact that they are on a Christian record Label... There are bands that are "Mainstream" (which is what the name of the Market where their cd's are sold is called) There are bands that are on secular(non-christian based) labels that have Christians in the actual band. When a band is a band and they are making a career out of it it's is their job They get PAID to go on tour, play shows, make cds', and be in the band. A lot of them are under contract and if they break that contract they owe A LOT of money to A LOT Of people. If you don't have the mind to understand any part of the industry even a little. There is no way you'd understand why bands like Relient K, Thrice, Skillet, and Family Force 5 go through what they go through in the industry. It's sort of like two worlds are colliding when they deal with the business side of it all and then the Christian side (their faith or walk with Christ) Some decisions will look totally wrong on the outside because you have no idea what went on in the business meeting that their managers or they went to. There is also points where managers will do something that a band is not totally for because it's good for the BUSINESS part of the INDUSTRY!!! It's good for exposure of the band.. good for MONEY for the people around the band.You're basing someones faith in Christ fully on what you THINK you see on the outside. Say, for arguements sake a Christian is working out in the world in the car industry. They are told by their car company to mis represent themselves but to represent the car company in some sort of campaign. Does that make the car person less of a Christian because he's doing his job? NO it shows that he wants to keep his job. People in Advertising compromise themselves all the time to do well in their jobs'. And if you don't understand that point, then you've never had a job. What about if you're a Christian and you work in a Movie Rental place that rents Porns'?? What are you supposed to do?! Well you sell the video that's what you do because it's YOUR JOB! Being in the World not of it means, YOU DON'T RENT THE MOVIE YOURSELF!!Yes bands are more noticable in the world and live in a looking glass. And we can see things that they are doing but we can not see the heart behind it all. Like you're own motive to do something could be right but people see it totally differently because they do not know who you are. You could write a note to someone out of pure LOVE and they do not know your heart and they see it as pure insanity.A true godly witness is a real person who lives in the real world but doesn't act like it. (the world is in reference to the Devil not the physical world btw) People screw up that verse too. "Judging lest ye be judged.." means.. If you are going to judge someone.. they have every right to judge you back. It is saying don't judge someone unless you want to be judged right back!Christian bands are doing what they are called by God to do. Another truth of the Holy Spirit is if you are using His name around what you do, and He doesn't agree with what you are doing or you're not doing it by the Holy Spirit.. Well you won't be doing it for much longer, He's not going to continue blessing something that is NOT OF HIM! If you are going to use "truths" of the Bible you need to use them all or explain yourself better instead of popping off in comments. And they should be used in the right context. Right context means you use it in context of the rest of the scripture and what the verse was actually talking about, take into consideration the times we're reading from, who was talking to who, why they said it, and what they said it about. When the person that posted this video said something about Paul being sarcastic to the Corinthians.. He was correcting them he wasn't being sarcastic. and he wasn't being arrogant about it either. The verse that guy uses says something about " "Do you not judge the members of the Church?" So WE ARE TO JUDGE in that sence. ???? First of all.. way to give a verse so we can reference it, check it out, and repent ourselves. I'm not sure where that verse was.. But It may not mean what he is saying it means. We're not called to judge people We're already condemened to death because of our sin, there is no other judging involved. Which we can't judge someone else if they're saved or not, Only God can do that, I'm not sure but I think there is a verse that tells us it's actually a sin to say that someone is not a christian (I could be talking out my butt about that one lol) . The Bible does however tell us, "16By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? 17Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit." The verse in Matthew isn't talking about the Fruits of the Spirit. It's talking about what kind of fruit is produced by the things you do(because of the Spirit inside you). The things we do should be a "manifestation" of the truth of the Bible in our hearts.Have people come to Christ through someones' music? Do those guys truly and geniunely love their fans/people? If you've read their lyrics is is Christianly moral- line those up with the fruits of the Spirit. Have people been delievered from something? That shows that the Holy Spirit is working, the Holy Spirit is bearing fruit! Not the person themselvesThe fruits of the Spirit are from the Holy Spirit. It's things that should be integrated into our personality and eventually become a part of who we are. Galations 5, Is the characteristics of the contrarys' the Devil and The Holy Spirit of God----It's telling us about Freedom in Christ. It's also the same verse that Paul says "through faith by Grace we are saved" it doesn't say anything about through The LAW we are saved.When you talk to someone in a christian band if they're not showing you
Self-control Then you have every right to question them, in private, in love about why they're not showing at least a couple of those. But again.. don't jump down someones throat.. You're human too. and should be looking at yourself before they way.. if they're not... again.. you have to follow:
Matthew 18:15-22....
"If your brother sins (against you) go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.....
But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. if refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as Gentile and a tax collector."Which is supposed to be used only if a fellow brother does something against you personally! Do we realize that people are brought to Christ in different ways? Sometimes I think people can't see past themselves and think that everyone is going to realize God the same exact way they did.If you really truly think that some Christian bands are in some sort of wrong, maybe you're right. but go to them. Go to God.. don't come online and blast them. Especially if you don't know them at all. that's what people mean by "You don't know what you're talking about."The Bible also talks about forgiveness, love, mercy, hope.There is also no way that we as humans convict other people. We're not called to do that either. That actually is Gods' Job again just like judging someones' heart. and It's not judging like the harsh judging it's a judging to see if they love God or not. Like I said before we're all condemned to Hell because we are Sinners. Which isn't the Gospel.Jesus didn't "scorn" the Pharisees he tried to correct them even though He knew they wouldn't listen, that's when he started being what we call "sarcastic." He was probably just annoyed and knew that He knew what He was talking about and they didn't. Remember he was made human when he came to earth. He got His patience from the Holy Spirit not from himself. He loved people enough to try and show them the Kingdom of God, which actually is in all of us (If You're a Christian.)Christian Music is made as an "alternative" to the other music that is out there. Some Christians just can not listen to secular music. It's a spiritual fact. If you're basing a bands' "attitudes" or "faith" on who their fans "seem" to be. that would be a wrong assumption too. Man I could go ON AND ON! lol.But I wont' let me just say thatthe next Revival.. is going to happen because of Music. It's going to happen because of.. Family Force 5 following Gods' calling on their lives..And Satan is scared and he's trying to put fear in the hearts of people around FF5.So he brings ANY ONE he can to attack and confuse people. Even Christians against Christians.. that should give people hope that FF5 is going the direction they're supposed to go. I almost forgot to say that if we're not 100% always godly and we go through regular things in life like break ups, families, fun silly times with friends.... Why can't bands do the same thing in their songs? (and make the lyrics Christ-like or just regular fun silly things?) Like Dancing... which.. is ALSO a form of Worshiping .And if you're not "down for the ride!" I suggest you back away from the big red bus ;).
Be Radiators,Chris
P.S. Just because you get angry... and you're a Christian.. doesn't necassarily mean you are righteously angry

Here I go again.. defending

A video was sent to me yesterday. I do not agree at all with what this guy says in the video. This is merrily to "expose" the untruth in the video. I don't mind if people have an opinion about a band. You don't like their music.. that's fine, you don't like their clothes, whatever... everyone has their opinion but when you take it into your OWN hands and fully bash someone as a person.. that's not at all even remotely right. this is the email I sent the showDear Wretched,This is in reference to the Family Force 5 "bashing" that was done on your TV show. I have been a fan of the brothers of the band for almost 14 years. Although i'm not Close friends with them God has given me a heart for them and a heart to pray for them. They are some of the nicest guys you will ever meet. To go on television and bash someone for what you think they believe in is number one not Christ like and number two. Very hurtful. As Christians we are called to be loving and kind, the words that were said in that episode were neither. We're supposed to uplift our brothers and sisters in Christ even if we don't believe what they are doing is right. When someone has a concern about a fellow Christian the Bible tells us in James that first of all we are to pray for our brothers.
James 5:16
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
The Bible also tells us that there is steps to take when "confronting" a Christian friend when you are questioning them..

Matthew 18:15-22
If your brother sins go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother.
But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed.
If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as Gentile and a tax collector.
Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven.
Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven.
For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.”
Then Peter came and said to Him, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” No where in there does it say BASH them in front of everyone else and mock what they do or who they are. Jesus wasn't one to hide when he didn't agree with someone for being "legalistic" or "religious." He got upset at people that were mocking those that were using their hearts for God, those who were passionately in Love With God. The Bible tells us in John 3:16 "For God So Loved the WORLD that He gave His only begotten son, that who so ever believes in Him will not perish." That tells me that even though you may not know God, God still loves you." The God that was spoken about in that episode is the angry God we learn about in the Old Testament. We have been forgiven through Christ, The gospel of Christ isn't the ten commandments. Gospel means "Good News" and derives from the Old English word for "God Spell". The Good news of Christ is in Romans 10:15, "And how shall they preach, except they be sent? as it is written, How beautiful are the feet of them that preach the gospel of peace, and bring glad tidings of good things!" It's not good news that we have and do not follow the ten commandments and therefore are damned to hell. That's the Bad news! The Good news is the fact that we can find peace in Christ because what He did on the cross for us. When Derek (Mr. Stique) said to the "fan" about Loving people That's what the Gospel is all about, that is the walking Gospel.. WE are to strive to show the Gospel in what we say and do. Knowing Jesus is how we become saved. James 4:11 "God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?" You can not know a persons' heart at all unless you are willing to understand them and pray for them(and even then God will only reveal certain things to you). The only person that knows each persons' heart is God. There is no way you can sit back and say "None of these guys know God." To call them out like that is judgemental, which by the way is also a sin. We are not called To judge people (even if they're not saved) We are called to LOVE them into the kingdom of God. Our first and second commandments from our Saviour is, "To Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and to love your neighbor as yourself." Love can be a tricky thing if you don't understand it the way that Paul did, 1 Corinthians 13, The Love Chapter shows us that the only way to love is to be completely selfless (which is something that was knocked down on your show.) When you sit there and don't realize how the Holy Spirit is working you are blaspheming God. I have been around the guys of Family Force 5, although they are human the Holy Spirit is in fact there. Having a spirit of arrogance when speaking about a band that is out there showing Gods love and acceptance to these kids that do not get it is one of the best things a christian can do. We are called to go to all areas of the world (Acts 1:8) this doesn't mean that we only go to those that are christians. Jesus told us to go to the sick Jesus went to all people, he didn't discriminate by staying with His disciples, He didn't stay in Bethlehem or Nazareth. Remember that in the Bible, Pharisees tried to embarrass and call out Jesus in front of everyone for being "radical" and different. (he didn't take it and neither should FF5)They also confronted him about the woman prostitute, Jesus loved her and told the others that were ready to kill her that if they hadn't sinned (ever) they could cast the first stone at her. We have the same spirit that Christ did(“The same spirit that raised Christ from the dead dwells in you.” (Romans 8:11)..... The Holy Spirit is what works in people to bring them to Christ. There is no way that preaching damnation and just the law, that people will receive Christ. You have to give them a relief. You can't just tell people that they're going to hell and this is why! You have to tell them how they can avoid it. You have to give them the Promise, Jesus didn't keep it from people, why are you? As For FF5 music/videos being Soft core porn. First of all most of the girls in that video were Gf's/or close friends of the guys. It's a cheesy video from a very goofy band. Their nicknames are goofy, and aren't meant to mean anything to do with God. it's just a "persona" it's not who they really are It's not something to be taken so seriously that you're mocking them because it's not Christ like. Derek was right about saying that there is no 5 step process. There isn't. We all fall in love with Christ differently, and for different reasons. Rituals do not bring your heart to God. Rituals do not change who you are. Rituals don't help you to recieve the Holy Spirit. (that's what a 5 step process is or can/will turn into.) Falling in love with someone isn't something that can be done by teaching someone. If I don't like someone... I don't like them, i'm not going to fall in love with them because you want me to. You "can't teach someone to fall in love with someone." when someone comes to Christ it's a learning experience and it's a relationship that doesn't just happen. We can teach someone ABOUT Christ, teach them why He did what He did (on the Cross) but there is no way you can teach or make someone fall in love with Christ. He didn't do it that way when He walked this earth, and We shouldn't try to do that either. Since we're not the ones who change the heart in the first place. Knocking the FF5 guys down by saying that they don't show the fruits of the spirit is also not right. None of us, NONE of us show ALL the fruits of the spirit all the time. There is no way to do that. I have hung out with the guys more then I ever thought I would, I have seen them show all the fruits of the spirit even if it wasn't all at once. God looks at the heart of a person. If you didn't know, Satan is the one who tries to bring up someones past mistakes to shake them up and get them to go back to that, thinking that they are too "wretched" for God. Which... there is no doubt that we are wretched.. UNTIL we recieve Christ. When we accept Christ as our saviour we become a new creature in Him. There are promises all over the New Testament of the Bible that contradict what you are saying that we are. In Christ we are "free", we are Loved, We are His Children, we are "saints," we are complete in Him, (verses can be found here- ( ) They have talent, skills, and they could be using it for things that have nothing to do with God, yet they strive to show people that just because we're Christians does not mean that we can not have fun. The Bible tells us not to "Conform to this world." That doesn't mean that we're not IN it and that we shouldn't live in it. We are to do things differently. When the band goes on tour with non christians and the guys of this band pull out their Bibles (which they do) and have Bible Study... That is not conforming to this World, that is showing that they have a faith that they hold dearly onto. That is their witness They are in the land of wolves and when Christians also start coming against them what kind of Spiritual things do you think you're putting over them!? Words are powerful and no matter where you say them they will still hurt OR uplift a person no matter where they are. Angels and Demons alike run with your words. Demons were after all Angels once.. and they still have the "like" "power" that they had it's just twisted and warped and they use it in decieving ways. They weren't completely stripped of their ableness to be around us. If A word can build someone up from a far (Prayer, intercessing) then it can bring someone down at the same time (cursing, gossip.) Which bands would you rather our kids listen too? Those who are living a Christian life, Who know who Christ is or those who have no clue who God is and wouldn't if He showed up in front of them? Who else do teens have to listen too if it's not someone who is bold enough that after someone says to him "I don't believe in Jesus." and he answers back with "Well Jesus Believes in you." That's the kind of person, If I had kids, I would want them to look up to. Teenagers need something morally correct to look up too, Something that shows Christian morals, They don't want what older generations had, they don't like it, they're not into it. They want something that looks like them that they can relate too. And if they ask the guys of FF5 about God each guy is more then willing to pray with them, tell them about God, tell them their experience, and answer their questions as best as they can. None of those guys are perfect and I've never heard any of them claim to be. Each loves God as much as they've been given. Where they are in their walk with Christ is between them and their Heavenly Father. If you sit and question every little thing another Christian does you are going to make yourself crazy. And eventually you're going to lose your faith because of it. "Tell The World that Jesus is My Saviour... Everybody outta tell the world theres' a new a brighter day...."Be Radiators,************************ Chris


I just got done reading a book called "A Shred of Evidence" by Kathy Herman. The book was a story of gossip and untruths taken to extremes and how it can ruin lives. When you don't know something is true or not and you talk about it.
I'm not so sure people really understand what gossip truly is. I heard a sermon once that told us that gossip is when you're talking to someone about something that does not effect you, you can't change, they can't change, or they can't help nor can you. That is actually true. IF you have no reason to know what another person is talking about, that my friend is gossip. It doesn't matter if it's truth. You still do not know the whole story, so in essence you're hearing untruth.The Bible tells us in Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." This can relate to gossip OR attacking people about who they are and what they believe. Although you may think you are trying to do good when you come to someone and tell them about something that they are not involved in you're spreading what ultimately could be a lie.I try my best to not be a gossiper and hopefully not let anyone come to me and gossip. However it has happened, and I'm not perfect. But I do have a strong conviction not to allow it and I have a very strong heart to not want to hear it.I have been a victim of gossip, and I have gotten messages on both my fan sites, for Toby and for FF5 trying to discredit these guys for who they are as Christians. It's not right and some of these have come from Christians themselves. Some of you may remember last year, in Jan when the FF5 guys were ripped apart in CCM magazine. They have put it aside and let it roll off their backs, However I was there when Nathan read out loud what they said about him. and his face showed how upset he was at the allegations. Words hurt no matter who said them, and not matter who you're saying them too or about.Recently Sara(who helps me on the Toby Fan site) received a message from a non-Toby Fan questioning why Toby calls himself a christian when he doesn't preach the gospel!? And what his true witness is. The accusations that Toby isn't a Christian and that his fans aren't true Christians either Is not truth. It's wrong to speculate someones heart when you do not know them personally OR have been in prayer about someone and God has revealed things to you. Gods' character isn't one of attacking someone else. God loves His children.If Toby wasn't a true Christian and he's holding the banner of Christian artist over his life. God would not allow him to be where he is today and WHO he is today. God has broken down many a tv evangelist and christian leaders who were not operating under His banner and under His direction. He doesn't let people walk in His name very long when they're not being obedient. When you are looking at something not under Gods' light or true character you will not see it for what it is. Claiming that someone isn't a Christian is not your right, you are not God. You, especially if you have never prayed or been in prayer for that person, do not know that persons' heart at all.Being judgemental and being concerned for someone are two VERY VERY different things. You can sort of differianate between the two by this: If you do not know someone personally and you are basing who they are on ONE thing, and do not go to that person about how you are feeling you are most likely being judgemental and will turn what you say to others into gossip and hurtful words. If you know someone personally, have prayed for them, about them, with them, talk to them and sort of know who they are and what they're truly about and go to THEM personally about your concern in love. that is being concerned about a christian brother/sister or for someone you love.For you to take what you think about someone as truth, is sooo wrong. It's against Everything that God stands for.For the person asking about Toby Mac and his witness. First of all you can't ask someone what their witness is, Your witness should be evident in how you live and how Christ has grown your ministry, your job, your family, or anything else in your life. A Witness is what you do. Your beliefs you can explain, that's WHY you do what you do and what you're doing your witness for. Go ask TobyMac what He believes in. I have to say this also, Not everyone that is a christian is called to pastor, or preach. In Ephesians it tells us that we are called to do different things in the body of Christ, You can't come down on someone because YOU THINK they're called to do something that they're not doing. I actually stood up for Isaac Hanson with some girl about this. She was yelling at him, in his face because He wasn't spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. It wasn't her call to tell him who God called him to be, and what God called Hanson to do! If you were to read TobyMac's lyrics you'd realize that there is a lot of teaching in what he says through his lyrics. You can't always take a mic at a show and talk for an hour about how God changed your life, or about the fact that Jesus died for you. That isn't really an entertainers job, it's YOUR LOCAL pastors' job to do that! Christian artists/entertainers can and should be used to direct someone to a church, or let someone know that God is there and loves them. Not to teach them how to be a Christian.I think people have their wires crossed, Don't really get that everything that is ordained by God is ordained to revolve around each other. If we are all pastors... No one would teach!! No one would prophecy! No one would be on the administration team at our churches. Do NOT walk around messaging people and telling them that they're not Christians or try to destroy someones' reputation because you're jealous. Realize when a "spirit" is working inside you to destroy something or someone. People have weak moments, WHY? because we let flesh over come us ALL the time. We're not perfect that is why the Bible calls us to sharpen each other. But you don't sharpen each other by cutting and tearing them down. You sharpen each other by bringing God into a situation, praying, reading a Bible verse.GOD- The Holy Spirit brings conviction, NOT US. I have had people message me on my FF5 site and tell me things about all 5 guys that are just not true. Gone to that persons' myspace and they claim to be Christians'. How can we as christians spread such crap about another brother/sister in Christ!? When we are supposed to uplift and be there for each other!BTW... THAT right there. what I just said. is TobyMac's mission.. :) Chris

Can you ever lose your salvation?

Can you Ever lose your Salvation?
Technically no you can not lose salvation. Since when you receive Jesus and accept Him as your Lord and Saviour. Salvation comes From God. If you have sincerly accepted Christ as your Lord and Saviour He will send the Holy Spirit to help you and guide you in making godly decisions. Even though we falter and fall every single day. That does not mean we have lost our salvation.
The only way to truly lose your salvation... is by totally renouncing God. OR... by not truly accepting salvation to begin with.
More">">More In Depth Study on that question

Confidence and Insecurity

Question: Maybe insecurity or lack of confidence. I struggle with those issues but not like I used to,it was bad but God is helping me.
What does God say about insecurity and confidence?
God is our security.... That is hard for a lot of us to grasp. I have learned just recently that not everything you're feeling is the truth of what God is and what God wants you to be. The best way to bring up yourself confidence is to realize your weaknesses and your strengths and to expand on your strengths and not worryabout your weaknesses.
Let me explain:
When you are so focused on wanting to make your weaknesses better you'll become frustrated since God most likelymade your weakness a weakness for a reason (like.. your future husband/wife is going to compliment that weaknessbut it being their strength) God gives us certain gifts for us to realize them and to grow them. Growing our stregthshelps us to be more confident in the fact that God knows what He's doing, trusting that we have those strengths for a future reason.
Building up your strengths is a part of building up your confidence. But the confidence we build up should be in Christ (God) not in ourselves. He after all gave us the gifts, when we start trusting in ourselves to buildour self confidence we take away the trust we're supposed to give to God and it screws up our thoughts of ourselves.The Bible tells us the foolish trust in themselves and they will perish:Psalm 49: 12-1312 But man, despite his riches, does not endure; he is c]" class="footnote">[c] like the beasts that perish.
13 This is the fate of those who trust in themselves, and of their followers, who approve their sayings. Selah.when we trust in God and trust that he will bring us confidence when we need it most our confidence in GOD will grow therefore our confidence in who we are is going to grow. When we realize who God has made us and why He formed us the way we are confidence is automatically going to grow because we know who we are. Insecurity sort of goes with confidence.. Feeling secure is something that Satan will take away from you every day. this has to do with self esteem and not knowing who you are and Can be in Christ. confidence and security are both feelings that we take to levels we shouldn't. Feeling something or not feeling something doesn't necassarily mean it's the truth. Not realizing the security of God will allow Fear to creep in. Praying constantly for God to comfort you is a great thing for you to do. The Holy Spirit is after all our comforter.The truth is no matter what:When we receive Christ.. HE is our security... realizing that will take time.. it takes continueing to speak the positive "confessions" the truths that God has given us in the Bible until we truly believe it. here are a couple promises God has given us:
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.In God whose words I praise.
Psalms 56:3,4
Psalm 18:1-2 NIV
I love you, O LORD, my strength.The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 31:23-24 The Message
Love God, all you saints;God takes care of all who stay close to him,But he pays back in full those arrogant enough to go it alone.Be brave. Be strong. Don't give up. Expect God to get here soon.
Psalm 119:114 NIV
You are my refuge and my shield;I have put my hope in your word.
1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.God Loves you!Don't let Satan lie to you about who you are in Christ.
Your self confidence will lie to you.. God won't..God is our confidence and our security

100 things about me

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?burned myself on the fireplace hahahha2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?movie posters, music posters3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?i don't think so4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?anything once, most things all the time lol5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?nope6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?:) ya'll know7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?ya'll know8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?my car haha9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?5’7"10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?if i'm in a crowd of people but that's it..11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?nope12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?it hasn't been one person that makes me cry13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?you can't say your fears... duh14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?brown hair... dk eyes..
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO AT?on stage... 16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?mt dew haha17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?black olives, mushrooms, any meat18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?that pizza haha19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?purple.20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?EW no21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?my david cook cd..:)22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?I have a couple crushes.. i'm in love with ONE23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?nope.24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?who cares25. WHO IS YOUR FAV FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?female – reese witherspoonmale – matthew lillard
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?brunettes32. FAVORITE QUOTE?"SHUT UP" lol.. sorry i don't have anything meaningful right now33. FAVORITE PLACE?here i guess34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?no35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?lol..
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?yes37. FIRST JOB?redners
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?duh.....39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?yup40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?looking up books.41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY?nope42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?my advice giving skills 43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?nope, my brother got them so i didn't get them44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?you know what I want.. hahahhaha45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?4. 3 boys and a girl, i only know what my oldest sons name is going to be which is Zachary..46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?no.47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?well.. swearing for no reason, drinking to get drunk, drugs.. stuff like that. used to be turned off by smoking.. but....;)48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE/MISS ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?nothing. i hated high school.49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?Pantene50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?sometimes51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?ham52. ANY BAD HABITS?a lot53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?nope54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?absolutely55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?no56. DO LOOKS MATTER?i hope not57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?i write, pray, listen to music58.OH NO THIS WAS MISSING!oopsy59. WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?to become a well known youth leader/pastor/counselour60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?probably my barbies.. lol NOT, huh.61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?80 something62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?no63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?duh..64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?mixed
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?everything he is.66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?CHris, Chrissie(unless you are related to me, or an Olds brother DO NOT CALL ME THAT), Trismas, Hosehead, Hoser
67. FAVORITE SUPER POWER?the one I have.. and I can't tell you what it is
68. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?all of them.. lol!!!! JK... One Tree Hill69. WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?um.. get to know and understand them.. you'll LEARN A LOT70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?peanut butter ripple
73. PLANS FOR TONIGHT?look up another box of these books.. and bed
83. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?reeses84. HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?yes.85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?brown 86. EYE COLOR?brown87. SHOE SIZE?8.588. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?Sonic, Arby's89. FAVORITE RESTAURANT?Friendly's90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?yes91. WATCH TV TODAY?am right now92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?christmas93. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?used to play the clarinet, played a little piano and bass.94. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?Christian.. haha95. KISSES OR HUGS?depends who it is96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?relationships..97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?my car insurance98. WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE/HOUSEHUBBY?sure, but I also want to help my hubby out in whatever he does99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READINGi am reading 2 school books and "A Shred of Evidence" by Kathy Herman100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE:

You're Buggin!

So.. all of a sudden all these random guys have started messaging me here on the infamous.. My Space....
one of them said... something like.. "So I read your profile and we seem to have a lot in common. And I think we would be good together.!"
that's all well and good. kewl thanx for sweet of you to take the time out of YOUR busy schedule to read my Myspace Profile......
but when I go to their profile.. and they're agnostic....and not into anything that i'm actually into.. especially music wise...
how could you miss the part that talks about me being a Christian.. lol yes. agnostic and christianity are totally the same belief system...
I'm not saying that I can't be friends with someone who doesn't believe in God.. but I can't date someone who doesn't believe in God.. that would be being unequally yoked...(which is an easy Bible lesson..)
oh yea. and how bout the one who said
"You're hot. Give me your number."
HUH!? are you CEREAL!? Sure.. here's my number, my nieces, my sister in laws, nephews'... oh yea and all my friends' numbers too.. you TOOL! (and I don't mean the band.. that would make them look bad)
oh yes and the lastest one..
"You're the sexiest woman I've ever seen......I would F*** you so hard if I got the chance."
are you kidding me?! No wonder you're single you freak..looking up random chicks on myspace and telling them you'd f them so hard.. come on buddy... be a LITTLE more classy then that! AT least introduce yourself before you tell a girl you'd you know what them!
um.. sexiest you've EVER SEEN....i don't think so...i'm not THAT nieve.
Just so everyone knows.. I'm not.. shallow like that..never have been. I do NOT pick up random guys and say. Yo, WANNA DO IT?! Not into that.. Not that kind of girl....i've pushed guys down steps because of that stuff.. YA HEARD!?
how retarded are you to try to come on myspace and look for an f you know what partner.

Girls.. don't be bought by guys like this! Really..Save yourself for a true Guy someone who'll treat you with respect... And put some clothes on in your myspace profile pics.... Don't sell yourself short!! If you dress like a slut guys will think you are one...however.. some of them won't even care what you're wearing... and have no respect for who you are and just randomly message you... thinkin' they're God's gift.. They ain't.. :)
so boys before u try picking up this chick....get some class.. Some JESUS... pick up a Bible.... try rocking out to some christian up your ladies with some morally sound words...oh yea.. and don't treat me like a freakin' piece of meat that is supposed to bow down to your every whim.. because well.. I won't do it.. in other the words of my niece


Holding On

Holding On
Be patient and wait for him He saysUntil he comes to you, you need to prayBringing your heart into another lightI've tried to walk away with all my mightSomething always brings me backI can't take another attack
I've been waiting my whole lifeTo fall in love with someone like youDon't you dare turn awayDon't leave me alone this wayI can't begin to think ofTelling you I love you, can't get the nerve up
Can't you see me standing hereAlone in all my doubts and fearsI loved you from the second timeI saw you, couldn't change my mindTime to wear your heart on your sleeveYou're drowing in your own griefHold on and don't let goThis heart can't take your no
I've been waiting my whole lifeTo fall in love with someone like youDon't you dare turn awayDon't leave me alone this wayI can't begin to think ofTell you I love you, can't get the nerve up
Can't get myself to move onFeel like an idiot holding onForget your eyesSmile when I see youDon't see your disguiseOh God how do I knowBeing this patientWon't let him goI just need to know

Is Suicide the answer?

Is Suicide the answer?
(read the whole thing before you say anything ;)
I just read something that I wrote a couple years ago about not wanting to live anymore.. sooo ..I know some of you, not all of you know my testimony, and know how I grew up.
No my life was NOT totally unbearable, nor was i addicted to drugs at any time and lost myself in an addiction. Nor did I live on the streets at any time. But I still thought about suicide when I was growing up. MANY MANY times.
Growing up in a home that I did not feel safe in was difficult for me and even if it was a struggle. I had to realize that others had it worse then I did and needed help more then I saw fit to help me.
That all sounds so sad and lonely. I was sad and lonely. I really couldn't tell anyone what was happening to me, or so I thought. So I started telling God. Shouting at him yelling at him. "Why Me?"
I think when we are going through things we turn inward because we don't realize that someone else may have an answer for us. OR a way out! I turned inward and let Satan totally take control of my surroundings.
Let me explain what it means to let Satan take over...
It's sort of when you give in the the "negative" in life. You start feeling sad and give into depression, You choose paths that are going to destroy you in EVERY way possible. The Bible tells us that "...the enemy comes to kill steal and destroy." When we start turning into things like depression, and start acting on our jealousy... this is "causes" Satan can use. Commiting Suicide.. is destryoing your own life.. and others around you... so.. who do you think suicide would be an answer from?
Satan may not have control over your life, but he can still get in there and tell you lies... like
"I can't do that!"
"I'm not good enough for him/her. them. that calling."
Satan is a deciever and a manipulater. He's there to "scare" you out of a life with Christ. Falling into his ways is VERY dangerous to your Life In Christ.
When I was younger every single day (like i said above) I felt like the only way OUT for me was to kill myself. It would leave everyone without the burden of me. At the time I felt like no one cared for me or about me. Of course I never thought that it just SEEMED like they never cared about me.
They did.
and they still do.
when a person is on the verge of killing themselves, they show signs of it.. they let people know. But it's NEVER the answer, it's never the true answer and it IS NOT the will of God for anyones life.
If you think about it.. when you take your own life, you've in turn took a trust in yourself that YOU Know how to handle the problem you'll just totally avoid it.
When we have problems in life.. it's best (i don't like it) but it's best to take those problems head on! It WILL make you stronger when you finally do get over whatever HUMP is in your life, They may seem like BLOCKS more then a bump.
There is a praise/worship song called, "Beyond the Open Door." It's an AMAZING song. it goes...
"Beyond the open door. Is a new and fresh anointing. Hear the spirit calling. YOU TO COME!"
A BIble verse states, ".. seek and ye shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened..."
That sort of ties in all together with the worship song. If we're seeking Christ, and knocking at the "door" (Jesus) The spirit of God WILL in turn lead us to the door that God opens for us.
WE can not get to that place until we are diligently in prayer and diligently seeking Him
Before you think about suicide, understand that it's a selfish act. and it is unneccassary. God prepares us for our trials we just have to be earnest enough and relying on God enough to seek the answers from Him.
I've learned this over the years. This isn't some REVELATION I got tonight.
Feeling alone and vulnerable because your going through something heart breaking is very very painful. but it's not the end for you!
So.. to answer my question
NO suicide is NEVER the answer
Seeking God is!

From my website. (the vinners)

I grew up with My biological brother Paul in a sexually abusive home. My adopted mother was oblivious to the fact that my adopted father was sexually abusing me. It's things like this that make children grow up to be bitter and destroyed. I overcame these things with a little help from a couple things though, Number one being Jesus Christ. My Lord and Saviour. The true Father.What a REAL Father should be; loving, protective, caring, there for me. I learned who God was; but not from my parents. I actually learned who God was from two amazing Bands. Yes you guys all think I'm nuts or something, but it's absolutely true. Music changed my life and it can do amazing things for you also if you let it.
So my second thing was music. I grew up on DC Talk and I'm VERY THANKFUL for the words of wisdom that came from their lyrics/music, and from the things they said and did. They were older and much wiser then me in the ways of Christianity and Christ! They taught me a lot about Being Bold about my beliefs and about who I could be as a Christian and a woman of Christ. I wasn't being taught how to be a true Christian at home. I wasn't being taught much of anything at home, except how to crawl into a hole. Dc Talks' music is also the reason I am saving myself for Marriage. Don't sell yourself short girls (and guys) God has someone out there worth your waiting for them until your wedding night! If you chose not to wait, God will still love and accepts you. He cares for you beyond our mistakes.
The second band/group that really played a huge part in my life through all those times.. was "The Brothers" (now Family Force 5)... Not only were they around my age but they knew Christ. The person I wanted to get to know. They knew about the spiritual of Him and understood God on a level above what I did at the time, at least in their lyrics. Their lyrics were very comforting to me, especially "Hide Me Away" (the song playing now and that tattoo on my right shoulder) and so was Solomon's voice, he is "The Voice that Saved my life" and along with the bands' lyrics both saved me from such pain and hurt that was happening around me. I am alive because of that music and those three guys. The day I bought that tape was the day I had planned to commit suicide. They don't know it yet but they really did save my life.
I would literally sit in my room and listen to both of these bands and rely on there lyrics to get me through what was happening to me on the inside..No one around me knew the heartache i was going through (some knew but blew it off) the things that were happening on the inside was really eating away at my soul. I didn't want to live anymore I didn't want to be me anymore, I really didn't know who "me" was, I never did. There is nothing wrong with taking a cd/tape putting it in your radio/stereo listening to it and having it help heal you. They were positive influences in my life.
I'm a stronger woman now because of how music has touched my life. Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to musicians.. and how important they are to the world.. They're going to change the world and they already have in many ways. I could never ever turn my back on ma boyz. That is exactly what they are to me..I grew up with them in a sense. So don't step!! My friends/family joke by sayin, "You can say anything to Chris. Talk to her about anything. But do not get in her face about her Olds Brothers' or her TobyMac." I'm pretty protective. lol.
Music continues to touch my soul and my life. I think if it weren't for God bringing the music into my life that He brought into my life I wouldn't be here. I don't hold these guys up above who Christ is and I never could. However I AM very grateful that God led me to them. It is very rare that something touches your life so deeply that you can erase the pain and let go of struggles it got your through. To those that music has NOT touched as deeply as it has touched me.. can't/and won't ever understand what it's like to have a band or two like this. I truly wish and pray that someday I will be able to BLESS Toby, Michael, Kevin, Josh, Solomon, and Jacob as much as they have blessed my life...
THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.
"Hide me away, safe in your arms..."