Sunday, December 13, 2009

What to do.

What am I going to do with all these feelings i still have for him? He doesn't want to be together. He wants me to just walk away from him and get over him. Why doesn't he realize how amazing i see him as. I don't see the same person he does when he looks in the mirror. I see a caring, Kind, loving, passionate, motivated, amazing person. He sees a screw up. I guess beauty IS in the eyes of the beholder.

I guess he feels that since all these things have happened against our friendship it's impossible to happen. We're two totally different people, from two totall different worlds. There is no way around that in his head. :( I've tried to make sense of everything that happened with us. The only thing that makes total sense is that God wants this relationship to happen and Satan doesn't. He doesn't believe in the spiritual though and i can't explain that to him. The harder it gets the easier it is for him to walk away.

I wish evil would just leave him alone. Life isn't about set backs and negativeness. It's about over coming them and moving on. Holding onto something that may seem so out of our reach and accepting it as our own. He doesn't see that. Life sux, when crappy things are thrown at you, yes. But it doesn't have to. I cry for him, not because i'm in love with him. But because I hate to see him going through so much pain and then pushing away the one person that loves him unconditionally. I don't need a reason to "love" him. I just do.

That's how God loves us, He does because He just does. That's who He is. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us any less, or any more than He already does. No matter what sin we do, no matter how many times we deny Him,No matter what we say against Him, or don't do what He wants us to do, God will still love us. He is not the one who hurts us. Evil is on the earth too. There is nothing we can do about that except avoid it. Walk away from it.

All Satan wants to do is destroy us. He wants us to become addicted to drugs, he wants us to not believe in God, He wants us to not believe in the simple fact that someone sees right through our bullshit and loves us for the people we are. Excuses are just that. Excuses, they have no true meaning or relevance but to give you a reason to walk away.

Love was never said to be easy. Jesus loved us. It wasn't easy for Him to die for us, He sacrificed His life so that we wouldn't have to die and go to hell. Not easy. That sort of love is not easy, why should it be easy for us?

I guess he doesn't want to fight for anything any more. That hurts. He's walking away from the one person who would said she'd be there for him always.

I will be.
I'll always be there. It's not hard because i love you... it's hard because you love me too. This isn't who you are, he says he's changed but it's not who he is. Don't you see, you are soo much more then who you're letting yourself be.

Monday, December 7, 2009


I don't know what to do.

I'm frustrated


Things aren't happening for me. I feel like i'm stuck in a rut, and i've felt like that for like 10 years. :(

i don't know if we can fix this. I don't know if he will want to fix it