Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Chris Update

I haven't exactly written anything on here in a while.. SOO I guess I will today.

I'm so excited that people are starting to write more blogs for My Advocates of Love project!! www.Advocatesoflove.tumblr.com It's amazing what God can do with a project like this. This is almost a 3 fold thing here. I want real people to be writing blogs for this, meaning I want people to BE real about who they are. Struggles they're going through things like that. Others can learn or be so changed from your story it's amazing. It's about acceptance, showing people love, not judging, not condemning but being true friends! Also I want people to know that I'm here for them if they need someone to talk to. I also want people to be able to write about their experiences with love. No matter what it be. I'm very excited to see what happens with it!

In a couple months (hopefully) I'm planning on moving out of my house. Well it's really my brothers' families house. But they've been so amazing ot let me live there off and on the last.. well ten years. :( I'm going to be real here, I feel like such a loser being 29 and having to live with my brother and his family. I've been out on my own twice in my 29 years and both times i failed. So i'm very scared this time to go out there and be on my own. I really wont be totally alone, my friend Justin is coming up here to live with me (hopefully!!) and i want to make sure I have an extra room just in case someone else needs a place to live. I know, I know.. I probably shouldn't think like that but I always have, and I always will. Even if the person doesn't have a room at my house they'd always be welcome. So if you're a prayer.. please pray that all this falls into place. :D

Lets see.. update on the love life. I don't really have one. I've been single my whole life and I pretty much think i'm going to be single the rest of it. :/ I still like the same guy I liked 5 months ago.. lol. But I'm fine. Really. I know a lot of you have been asking about him. I don't really want to talk much about him. It's weird. i think. lol. Not that i'm ashamed of him, because i'm not. It's just, we're not dating. ;) We're friends.

The book store is doing great. Now that we moved from down town Nazareth, :P blahhh.. to Forks Township. A Better area, better people, All that! So i'm happy for Jackie (my sister in law, it's her place) She needed something like this in her life. Something good, something to take off. Thank you God! :D

Other than that my life is pretty boring. Sorry i'm not more interesting.

Be Radiators, ;)


Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Longevity of RENT

Why is RENT still around? Why is it still an amazing production? Why has it stood the test of over 10 years?

Johnathan Larsons RENT has been in production since 1996 when it first took the stage off Broadway has risen to a status Larson could never dream of. He died the day of the premiere and will never know the impact it has made on people today.

There is a major reason this one production has made over 280 million since that first day of the play, it’s timeless. There is a realism to the play that flows over into many a persons life. Weather you have fallen in love, believe in love- no matter who it’s with, you’ve lived in alphabet city or you’ve traveled the world trying to make it as a singer. Drugs, lifestyle and the piercing of real life effecting the cast is shown through out the play as well as the movie. Friends being there for each other, being a family. These are the underlying real parts of this play that have the longevity, the reason to watch the movie to get into the characters. It speaks to people. It’s not just a story, it’s real people stories.

Aids is a huge part of this movie, and it’s a huge part of a lot of peoples lives. It sheds light on losing a loved one to aids and how painful that is in the seen where Tom sings at Angels funeral. I cry every time. Right there anyone whose lost a loved one to the effects of not only that illness but any illness will feel the pang of sadness. Mimi who goes through the downfall of being addicted to herione and Roger who wants to fall in love with her but has his guard up because of his late ex girlfriend. All of these are real life, things that actually happen and a lot of plays stray from telling the real life. The Lion King, Cats, Wicked, all fantasies set in times we don’t know and places we’ve never been.

The amazing story is told through dialogue and lyrics so intrically placed in the show. Nothing is out of place when it comes to this play. You don’t feel like you don’t know where you just went. In some plays you have to “catch up” to where they are going. You know exactly where you are in these scenes and if you’ve been to alphabet city you can envision them.

The actors playing the characters have made it much easier to fall in love with this play. We still have Adam and Anthony touring with the company. It was a great touch in the movie to have the original cast perform too. We like to see familiar faces in things we’ve fallen in love with.

No matter who you are if you’ve seen this movie/play you will see the “brother hood” and the “family” element of this movie. Even though these 6 people were friends they were each others loved ones, they were family.

We can learn something from this show, never take your friendships for granted. They can be gone like that! Love is the reason for this show, Love will continue when you’re gone.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

What to do.

What am I going to do with all these feelings i still have for him? He doesn't want to be together. He wants me to just walk away from him and get over him. Why doesn't he realize how amazing i see him as. I don't see the same person he does when he looks in the mirror. I see a caring, Kind, loving, passionate, motivated, amazing person. He sees a screw up. I guess beauty IS in the eyes of the beholder.

I guess he feels that since all these things have happened against our friendship it's impossible to happen. We're two totally different people, from two totall different worlds. There is no way around that in his head. :( I've tried to make sense of everything that happened with us. The only thing that makes total sense is that God wants this relationship to happen and Satan doesn't. He doesn't believe in the spiritual though and i can't explain that to him. The harder it gets the easier it is for him to walk away.

I wish evil would just leave him alone. Life isn't about set backs and negativeness. It's about over coming them and moving on. Holding onto something that may seem so out of our reach and accepting it as our own. He doesn't see that. Life sux, when crappy things are thrown at you, yes. But it doesn't have to. I cry for him, not because i'm in love with him. But because I hate to see him going through so much pain and then pushing away the one person that loves him unconditionally. I don't need a reason to "love" him. I just do.

That's how God loves us, He does because He just does. That's who He is. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us any less, or any more than He already does. No matter what sin we do, no matter how many times we deny Him,No matter what we say against Him, or don't do what He wants us to do, God will still love us. He is not the one who hurts us. Evil is on the earth too. There is nothing we can do about that except avoid it. Walk away from it.

All Satan wants to do is destroy us. He wants us to become addicted to drugs, he wants us to not believe in God, He wants us to not believe in the simple fact that someone sees right through our bullshit and loves us for the people we are. Excuses are just that. Excuses, they have no true meaning or relevance but to give you a reason to walk away.

Love was never said to be easy. Jesus loved us. It wasn't easy for Him to die for us, He sacrificed His life so that we wouldn't have to die and go to hell. Not easy. That sort of love is not easy, why should it be easy for us?

I guess he doesn't want to fight for anything any more. That hurts. He's walking away from the one person who would said she'd be there for him always.

I will be.
I'll always be there. It's not hard because i love you... it's hard because you love me too. This isn't who you are, he says he's changed but it's not who he is. Don't you see, you are soo much more then who you're letting yourself be.

Monday, December 7, 2009


I don't know what to do.

I'm frustrated


Things aren't happening for me. I feel like i'm stuck in a rut, and i've felt like that for like 10 years. :(

i don't know if we can fix this. I don't know if he will want to fix it


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Is There More?

I feel like a fool until you say "its fine"
One day I hope to make you mine
You came to me when we first met
It seemed Gods' plan was set

You've been lied to all your life
Filled with heartache and strife
God loves you more then I ever could
People say things they never should.

I've told you and i'll tell you always
God loving you is not a phase.

The games we play
The words we say
You know me better than most
Some day I'll make you french toast (lol)

Maybe i'm too much for you
Too good to be true
But I think the same thing
not just another fling.

You think there is another
Should I even bother?
I really want you happy, help
I just want you for myself.

What do I have to do
To show that I'm for you?
You are my best friend
And I'll be here until the end.

Is this whats in store
Or is there more?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I'm ok guys.

So I haven't written a blog in a while. I apologize for that, i mean to the ones that actually like my blogs ;)

A lot has happened in the last few months. I thought about deleting the Vinners, we moved our book store that my sister in law owns. We've been going through a lot in our house hold. I haven't really talked to any of the FF5 guys in a while. I haven't really been up to doing anything lately. Sort of lost hope in my quest to make my 7ish Project big.

I fell for a guy the last couple months. An amazing guy who is an independent spirit, loving, kind, a great friend. Very attractive art student from NYC. Him and I clicked in the beginning like I've never clicked with anyone before. I fell for him, started falling for him at least. It felt like there was this.. wall though.. something was in between us. Even though he said that nothing would ever get in between us. He first talked to me on The Vinners, Then eventually added my personal accounts on Myspace and Facebook, then we started talking on MSN. We would talk every day a couple hours a day.

Then things changed. He became distant. I started wondering if i did something wrong, he assured me I didn't. He had feelings for me in the beginning. Does one lose their feelings? I don't think they do. If we were upset at each other we resolved it before we got offline. If something was wrong we talked each other through it. I support him in his decisions he supports me. We're Friends. There is still this wall though. I don't have his number, I don't want to make a huge deal about it and you guys shouldn't either. But to me, that shows he doesn't fully trust me even though I told him i'd be there for him, for always.

It's become so complicated now. I don't know what to do any more. Some of you have seen my.. UGHHHH's, ARGHS, and crying status' all over. It's not exactly OVER him, it's over the whole situation. I'm confused, and frustrated. I don't know what to say to him to get him to trust me, he says he does trust me. Why does it feel like he's using me for someone that he KNOWS he can turn to whenever. I'm usually fine with this, i'm usually fine with people only coming to me when they need me. I want so much more with him though. I want to meet him in person, I want to see who he truly is. Does that scare the crap out of him?! Probably. We care about each other and maybe he feels that if we meet in person some how that caring will go away. It Won't. I still feel (even from the beginning) that me and him would be great together. I feel like Cory, from Boy Meets World, and he's my Topanga. Topanga was scared to be with Cory, Cory knew from the beginning they were meant to be. I'm not totally with Cory that I think i'm meant to be with the guy i like, but i def think we should be giving it more of a chance then we have been.

He's been a sort of rock for me, when i'm down he does lift me up, makes me feel good about myself.

Things have changed between us our relationship is.. not as close as we were. There are still feelings there. There is someone else though, on his side. I think I need to walk away for now, get out of the equation. I know some of you are saying Chris this guy isn't worth it. That's just the thing. He is worth it. He's worth everything I can give him. Guys I don't have anyone else that I've felt like this for. I'm here. I'm not going any where.

Things may seem/get hard and may seem like the only thing you should do is walk away from something so hard.. but maybe that's the hurdle you're supposed to get over to make it work. If you love someone, you NEED to be there for them through whatever they are going through. This is how I am with all my friends. If you need me i'm here, I don't discriminate between who can be my friend and who can't. If you need someone, i'm here. That's what a friend is. that's what a friend does. I may not be in your circle of friends but i'm a "Friend."

He's been hurt his whole life by many different people. Trust is hard for him. This may even lose his trust in me. Putting how i feel about him out there for all to read. I do it so that you guys know I'm ok. It's alright.

Don't walk away from something because it becomes to hard.. Taking a risk can bring you an amazing reward. Things that look easy, look easy for a reason- they have little reward. Circumstances are just obstacles you can choose to go around or not choose to go around, but going around them brings you closer to the end of your maze. The confusion of a maze can't end until you get to the end, and sometimes you have to climb over bridges that are broken, and go around a whole state to get to the next part of that maze. Staying in one place is only going to make those circumstances grow in your mind and make you think they're too big to overcome.

I care about this guy. i would do anything for him even walk away and let him figure out what he wants. It's okay. We should do that for people we care for. We can't make people make a decision that we think they should make. I'm frustrated, yes. Am I hurt every time things are cancelled, yes. But maybe through this time he needs to learn something that i've already learned:

Following your heart is not always going to be a failure. Taking a risk on love will not destroy you. I have all these emotions going on inside me. I want to support him in everything that he does. He's young, still has things to accomplish, school to do, places to see, and people to meet. I'll be here when you're ready. I'll be here when you need someone.

Thank you to my friends that have been there for me through this whole thing. You all know who you are! :)

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

trying to figure out ping.fm