So I haven't written a blog in a while. I apologize for that, i mean to the ones that actually like my blogs ;)
A lot has happened in the last few months. I thought about deleting the Vinners, we moved our book store that my sister in law owns. We've been going through a lot in our house hold. I haven't really talked to any of the FF5 guys in a while. I haven't really been up to doing anything lately. Sort of lost hope in my quest to make my 7ish Project big.
I fell for a guy the last couple months. An amazing guy who is an independent spirit, loving, kind, a great friend. Very attractive art student from NYC. Him and I clicked in the beginning like I've never clicked with anyone before. I fell for him, started falling for him at least. It felt like there was this.. wall though.. something was in between us. Even though he said that nothing would ever get in between us. He first talked to me on The Vinners, Then eventually added my personal accounts on Myspace and Facebook, then we started talking on MSN. We would talk every day a couple hours a day.
Then things changed. He became distant. I started wondering if i did something wrong, he assured me I didn't. He had feelings for me in the beginning. Does one lose their feelings? I don't think they do. If we were upset at each other we resolved it before we got offline. If something was wrong we talked each other through it. I support him in his decisions he supports me. We're Friends. There is still this wall though. I don't have his number, I don't want to make a huge deal about it and you guys shouldn't either. But to me, that shows he doesn't fully trust me even though I told him i'd be there for him, for always.
It's become so complicated now. I don't know what to do any more. Some of you have seen my.. UGHHHH's, ARGHS, and crying status' all over. It's not exactly OVER him, it's over the whole situation. I'm confused, and frustrated. I don't know what to say to him to get him to trust me, he says he does trust me. Why does it feel like he's using me for someone that he KNOWS he can turn to whenever. I'm usually fine with this, i'm usually fine with people only coming to me when they need me. I want so much more with him though. I want to meet him in person, I want to see who he truly is. Does that scare the crap out of him?! Probably. We care about each other and maybe he feels that if we meet in person some how that caring will go away. It Won't. I still feel (even from the beginning) that me and him would be great together. I feel like Cory, from Boy Meets World, and he's my Topanga. Topanga was scared to be with Cory, Cory knew from the beginning they were meant to be. I'm not totally with Cory that I think i'm meant to be with the guy i like, but i def think we should be giving it more of a chance then we have been.
He's been a sort of rock for me, when i'm down he does lift me up, makes me feel good about myself.
Things have changed between us our relationship is.. not as close as we were. There are still feelings there. There is someone else though, on his side. I think I need to walk away for now, get out of the equation. I know some of you are saying Chris this guy isn't worth it. That's just the thing. He is worth it. He's worth everything I can give him. Guys I don't have anyone else that I've felt like this for. I'm here. I'm not going any where.
Things may seem/get hard and may seem like the only thing you should do is walk away from something so hard.. but maybe that's the hurdle you're supposed to get over to make it work. If you love someone, you NEED to be there for them through whatever they are going through. This is how I am with all my friends. If you need me i'm here, I don't discriminate between who can be my friend and who can't. If you need someone, i'm here. That's what a friend is. that's what a friend does. I may not be in your circle of friends but i'm a "Friend."
He's been hurt his whole life by many different people. Trust is hard for him. This may even lose his trust in me. Putting how i feel about him out there for all to read. I do it so that you guys know I'm ok. It's alright.
Don't walk away from something because it becomes to hard.. Taking a risk can bring you an amazing reward. Things that look easy, look easy for a reason- they have little reward. Circumstances are just obstacles you can choose to go around or not choose to go around, but going around them brings you closer to the end of your maze. The confusion of a maze can't end until you get to the end, and sometimes you have to climb over bridges that are broken, and go around a whole state to get to the next part of that maze. Staying in one place is only going to make those circumstances grow in your mind and make you think they're too big to overcome.
I care about this guy. i would do anything for him even walk away and let him figure out what he wants. It's okay. We should do that for people we care for. We can't make people make a decision that we think they should make. I'm frustrated, yes. Am I hurt every time things are cancelled, yes. But maybe through this time he needs to learn something that i've already learned:
Following your heart is not always going to be a failure. Taking a risk on love will not destroy you. I have all these emotions going on inside me. I want to support him in everything that he does. He's young, still has things to accomplish, school to do, places to see, and people to meet. I'll be here when you're ready. I'll be here when you need someone.
Thank you to my friends that have been there for me through this whole thing. You all know who you are! :)