What to do.

What am I going to do with all these feelings i still have for him? He doesn't want to be together. He wants me to just walk away from him and get over him. Why doesn't he realize how amazing i see him as. I don't see the same person he does when he looks in the mirror. I see a caring, Kind, loving, passionate, motivated, amazing person. He sees a screw up. I guess beauty IS in the eyes of the beholder.

I guess he feels that since all these things have happened against our friendship it's impossible to happen. We're two totally different people, from two totall different worlds. There is no way around that in his head. :( I've tried to make sense of everything that happened with us. The only thing that makes total sense is that God wants this relationship to happen and Satan doesn't. He doesn't believe in the spiritual though and i can't explain that to him. The harder it gets the easier it is for him to walk away.

I wish evil would just leave him alone. Life isn't about set backs and negativeness. It's about over coming them and moving on. Holding onto something that may seem so out of our reach and accepting it as our own. He doesn't see that. Life sux, when crappy things are thrown at you, yes. But it doesn't have to. I cry for him, not because i'm in love with him. But because I hate to see him going through so much pain and then pushing away the one person that loves him unconditionally. I don't need a reason to "love" him. I just do.

That's how God loves us, He does because He just does. That's who He is. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us any less, or any more than He already does. No matter what sin we do, no matter how many times we deny Him,No matter what we say against Him, or don't do what He wants us to do, God will still love us. He is not the one who hurts us. Evil is on the earth too. There is nothing we can do about that except avoid it. Walk away from it.

All Satan wants to do is destroy us. He wants us to become addicted to drugs, he wants us to not believe in God, He wants us to not believe in the simple fact that someone sees right through our bullshit and loves us for the people we are. Excuses are just that. Excuses, they have no true meaning or relevance but to give you a reason to walk away.

Love was never said to be easy. Jesus loved us. It wasn't easy for Him to die for us, He sacrificed His life so that we wouldn't have to die and go to hell. Not easy. That sort of love is not easy, why should it be easy for us?

I guess he doesn't want to fight for anything any more. That hurts. He's walking away from the one person who would said she'd be there for him always.

I will be.
I'll always be there. It's not hard because i love you... it's hard because you love me too. This isn't who you are, he says he's changed but it's not who he is. Don't you see, you are soo much more then who you're letting yourself be.

GRR

I don't know what to do.

I'm frustrated

confused

Things aren't happening for me. I feel like i'm stuck in a rut, and i've felt like that for like 10 years. :(

i don't know if we can fix this. I don't know if he will want to fix it

:/

Is There More?

I feel like a fool until you say "its fine"
One day I hope to make you mine
You came to me when we first met
It seemed Gods' plan was set

You've been lied to all your life
Filled with heartache and strife
God loves you more then I ever could
People say things they never should.

I've told you and i'll tell you always
God loving you is not a phase.

The games we play
The words we say
You know me better than most
Some day I'll make you french toast (lol)

Maybe i'm too much for you
Too good to be true
But I think the same thing
not just another fling.

You think there is another
Should I even bother?
I really want you happy, help
I just want you for myself.

What do I have to do
To show that I'm for you?
You are my best friend
And I'll be here until the end.

Is this whats in store
Or is there more?

I'm ok guys.

So I haven't written a blog in a while. I apologize for that, i mean to the ones that actually like my blogs ;)

A lot has happened in the last few months. I thought about deleting the Vinners, we moved our book store that my sister in law owns. We've been going through a lot in our house hold. I haven't really talked to any of the FF5 guys in a while. I haven't really been up to doing anything lately. Sort of lost hope in my quest to make my 7ish Project big.

I fell for a guy the last couple months. An amazing guy who is an independent spirit, loving, kind, a great friend. Very attractive art student from NYC. Him and I clicked in the beginning like I've never clicked with anyone before. I fell for him, started falling for him at least. It felt like there was this.. wall though.. something was in between us. Even though he said that nothing would ever get in between us. He first talked to me on The Vinners, Then eventually added my personal accounts on Myspace and Facebook, then we started talking on MSN. We would talk every day a couple hours a day.

Then things changed. He became distant. I started wondering if i did something wrong, he assured me I didn't. He had feelings for me in the beginning. Does one lose their feelings? I don't think they do. If we were upset at each other we resolved it before we got offline. If something was wrong we talked each other through it. I support him in his decisions he supports me. We're Friends. There is still this wall though. I don't have his number, I don't want to make a huge deal about it and you guys shouldn't either. But to me, that shows he doesn't fully trust me even though I told him i'd be there for him, for always.

It's become so complicated now. I don't know what to do any more. Some of you have seen my.. UGHHHH's, ARGHS, and crying status' all over. It's not exactly OVER him, it's over the whole situation. I'm confused, and frustrated. I don't know what to say to him to get him to trust me, he says he does trust me. Why does it feel like he's using me for someone that he KNOWS he can turn to whenever. I'm usually fine with this, i'm usually fine with people only coming to me when they need me. I want so much more with him though. I want to meet him in person, I want to see who he truly is. Does that scare the crap out of him?! Probably. We care about each other and maybe he feels that if we meet in person some how that caring will go away. It Won't. I still feel (even from the beginning) that me and him would be great together. I feel like Cory, from Boy Meets World, and he's my Topanga. Topanga was scared to be with Cory, Cory knew from the beginning they were meant to be. I'm not totally with Cory that I think i'm meant to be with the guy i like, but i def think we should be giving it more of a chance then we have been.

He's been a sort of rock for me, when i'm down he does lift me up, makes me feel good about myself.

Things have changed between us our relationship is.. not as close as we were. There are still feelings there. There is someone else though, on his side. I think I need to walk away for now, get out of the equation. I know some of you are saying Chris this guy isn't worth it. That's just the thing. He is worth it. He's worth everything I can give him. Guys I don't have anyone else that I've felt like this for. I'm here. I'm not going any where.

Things may seem/get hard and may seem like the only thing you should do is walk away from something so hard.. but maybe that's the hurdle you're supposed to get over to make it work. If you love someone, you NEED to be there for them through whatever they are going through. This is how I am with all my friends. If you need me i'm here, I don't discriminate between who can be my friend and who can't. If you need someone, i'm here. That's what a friend is. that's what a friend does. I may not be in your circle of friends but i'm a "Friend."

He's been hurt his whole life by many different people. Trust is hard for him. This may even lose his trust in me. Putting how i feel about him out there for all to read. I do it so that you guys know I'm ok. It's alright.

Don't walk away from something because it becomes to hard.. Taking a risk can bring you an amazing reward. Things that look easy, look easy for a reason- they have little reward. Circumstances are just obstacles you can choose to go around or not choose to go around, but going around them brings you closer to the end of your maze. The confusion of a maze can't end until you get to the end, and sometimes you have to climb over bridges that are broken, and go around a whole state to get to the next part of that maze. Staying in one place is only going to make those circumstances grow in your mind and make you think they're too big to overcome.

I care about this guy. i would do anything for him even walk away and let him figure out what he wants. It's okay. We should do that for people we care for. We can't make people make a decision that we think they should make. I'm frustrated, yes. Am I hurt every time things are cancelled, yes. But maybe through this time he needs to learn something that i've already learned:

Following your heart is not always going to be a failure. Taking a risk on love will not destroy you. I have all these emotions going on inside me. I want to support him in everything that he does. He's young, still has things to accomplish, school to do, places to see, and people to meet. I'll be here when you're ready. I'll be here when you need someone.

Thank you to my friends that have been there for me through this whole thing. You all know who you are! :)
Chris.

trying to figure out ping.fm

watching TV

www.thevinners.com